“Hot funk, cold punk, even if its old junk, it’s still rock and roll to me.”
I bet if a million people were surveyed and asked if they have ever been in a funk in their lives almost everyone, if not all, would respond, “yes!” It’s not such a bad thing like we make it out to be. It’s nothing to be ashamed of or hide from. We put too much social pressure and emphasis on being in good spirits all the time. However, being in a “funk” may have a slightly different connotative meaning to everyone. To me, it’s a short period where someone might feel a little down or just not 100% themselves; but a mental state that someone can snap out of rather quickly (but not necessarily in the same day). We can’t always be at our highest peak and on top of our game all the time. We would burn out! We’re all human and require a little down time now and then to recoup and re-energize ourselves. Being in a funk can be a constructive healing method. It doesn’t have to suggest the worst like it’s commonly referred to.
Recently, I was reading an inspiring blog by: Rachel Bertsche that discussed when friends snap. In her quest for finding a bff (something we all long for) she hits the nail-on-the-head about the different fighting styles among girls and how we can be so catty in handling conflict. Her blog made me think of a recent misunderstanding I had with my friend.
It always hurts when you have an argument with a friend, regardless of the reason but especially over something so ridiculous and seemingly unnecessary. Simply put, she sent me a text and was not herself, she had a sort of stand-offish tone that she never had before. Texts can easily get misinterpreted and quickly. I was assuming the tone was due to some ongoing issues she continually battles with her boyfriend. When we spoke the day prior she said she was depressed because of him, hence, my assumption. Of course, being the nurtures we are girls, I wanted to comfort and be there for her. Needless to say, I was shocked when the whole thing got misconstrued. Feeling hurt and rejected after the text, my behavior changed. I backed off and just let it be. The issue was misinterpreted over the tone and assumptions on both our ends. The next day she sent me a text saying she wasn’t going to call me because she had to call her sister (she called me daily at the same time on her way to work). That text also got misinterpreted. About 10 minutes later she did end up calling me and our talk turned ugly very quickly. In trying to discuss the text and tone of our communication, I stated that I was giving her space for being in a funk. I said it in a loving way or at least it was intended as such. However, the word “funk” threw her over-the-edge. She started reprimanding me and defending why she wasn’t in a funk and raising her voice condescendingly stating she should be allowed to be in a funk but wasn’t. Let’s pause here a second…
Recap…She assumed the worst about the word “funk” and that it meant something bad. She also felt I did not treat her the same because (if she were in a funk), (which she demands she wasn’t), she should be allowed to be in a funk? Confusing right? See how things get misinterpreted quickly!
Let me just reiterate that I did not change my behavior because I thought she was in a funk. I changed because I could see she was not herself and maybe needed some space THAT’S ALL! It was an effort on my part to try and be supportive. She did not receive it that way or that my intentions were coming from a place of love and understanding (not judgement as she assumed). I learned quickly that my good intentions were received negatively. Long story short, we hung up angry and did not speak for over two weeks. I was the one who finally reached out to her, asking how she was doing? Her response was as if nothing happened. I was more hurt that she just brushed it under-the-rug and didn’t want to speak to me for so long but acted as if she felt nothing. This began a short-lived back-and-forth on what took place. In my response text, I stated my side and apologized for any assumptions and wrong-doing on my part and even stated that I do not wish to hash over every detail. In short, I was sorry and said I would never assume or suggest that she was feeling funky again. She on the other hand, could not accept this. She kept coming at me with such anger and irritation. She just wanted to attack me and continue reprimanding me for using the word, “funk.” I was so upset that she let such a minor comment that was intended to mean well on her behalf, even become an issue. After I stated that I did not want to go back-and-forth with petty details and also apologized and stated consideration for her feelings; her response was negative and she couldn’t let it drop. She never once accepted my apology or even suggested any wrong doing on her part or offered any kind of apology on her end for assuming the worst about my comment. It was the assumption on both ends that led to the demise of this friendship.
We are all human and full of imperfect differences but one would think that having good intentions (even if misinterpreted) and then followed by an apology would be at least be received in a receptive way that would open the door to heal the conflict.
Overall, I realized that if she considered herself such a good friend to me (as she often stated), then she would have taken the time to set her ego aside and look at the bigger picture and work through the issue she was feeling. Instead, she judged me and assumed the worst and handled it by attacking me and pushing me away completely. I realized in the end, there’s a lesson there for both of us but a true friend wouldn’t have walked away and would have taken the time to work through the conflict. So excuse me while I’m in a Funk!
Some tips about what I learned:
1) It’s okay to be in a funk but never suggest that to a friend.
2) Never assume.
3) Talk instead of text.
4) Don’t apologize too hastily as that does not always solve the conflict.
5) Time and space does not always heal the hurt.
6) It’s always okay to just be yourself regardless if the other person judges you for being you.
7) What’s said can never be taken back. Some people hold to a word or words and can’t let it go so be cautious in your choice of words.
8) True friends will love you for being concerned. They may get upset with you and need space but will always return to resolve the issue.
9) The ego always rears its ugly head. Be alert.
10) Everyone has deep-rooted issues and may not realize they do so be careful when trying to wear a nurturing hat as it may not be received as such. Their pain may be too great for you to help them work through it.
11) Always be willing to see your part in the wrong doing and admit when you’re wrong but not anything more.
12) Always be considerate of the others feelings even if they are not considerate of yours.
What are some tips you can share about your experience with conflict and friends? What have you broken up with a friend over?